I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
