They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
