But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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