I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
