i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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