1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My hand turned me down
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
