he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
