I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I would ride that face into the sunset
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
