you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
