there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
