he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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