She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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