i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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