im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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