Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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