We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
