Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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