You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
