At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
