Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
