2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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