By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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