Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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