You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
