i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
