This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
