And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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