Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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