I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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