I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
