I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
