She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
