I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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