Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
