I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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