You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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