We're like a lot better than the average bears
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
