Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
