I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
