My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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