I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
