your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
