The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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