Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
