I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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