My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
