just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
