Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
