We're facebook friends in real life
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
