Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The adults are the big ones right?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
