a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
