I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
