I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
